I have asked a couple of my friends how they perceive me, and most of them seem to think I’m neuro-typical. Good or bad remains to be seen, for now though all that means is that I’m a fair actor. I’m not NT and I never will be. No training in the world is ever going to change that since AS is more or less a brain dysfunction. It’s not curable, and not catchable. It simply is. And what it is to me is a different story all together. In order to be accepted I have to put on an act. My brain doesn’t react to stimuli the same way as others, and to blend in I have to fake reactions. Now morally most of you are already thinking that doing this is wrong and I shouldn’t have to do that, and you’d be right. But if I don’t you will never see me as just another average Joe. I’d quickly be pushed away and left alone, I know this from experience. Acting as everybody else gives me a better chance at a social life.
My life is a stage
And you’re the audience. Between us there is a transparent wall. It’s like I’m from a different world, and cannot quite adapt to yours. I might learn to fit in somewhat. But the world will always feel strange to me. Things you find boring might be the greatest thing since sliced bread to me, and vice versa of course. Hence the title of this post, I can’t really be myself, and the only times that I am is when I’m too fatigued to keep up the act. I retreat backstage and won’t come out in public for at least a full day.
One Response to “Hidden inside myself”
Full day, eh… So let’s take my typical week… I went to the shop, dressed up with a coat, a regular suit and fedora-like hat.. selected my stuff i wanted to buy, said Hi to the cashier, picked up times and left… and did that again after 3 more days… that’s as close as i got to social interactions. I mostly ignore my family members because they always drive me to the edge of losing it, which only means i go to my room, put my headphones on and play some mmo’s or watch anime… which… i do anyways. I find most of the stuff people do pointless, but i don’t act on it because i do pointless things too. Stuff that is either slow, costs more, not effectie enough considering the time it takes or other ways not efficent. The exceptions are when other people want Me to do their pointless ideas. As i do all or most of my pointless things myself and have full responsebility of that, it’d be logical if they do the same, but No >.> and it’s always a lot of small things that make me just *disappear* again. So yeah, i don’t even bother acting to people. I do what i see that has to be done, do it and want no credit for it. Een if i understand social expressons, if i don’t see the meaning to it, i’ll just ignore it. Happy Autism Day =F (which is not today but meh)